How to be Emotionally Available to Yourself

In dating and relationship coaching worlds, there is a big focus on finding and creating emotionally available people. Often where we get into trouble, or feel heartbroken is because somewhere along the way we attracted, tolerated or normalized emotional unavailability within ourselves or with others.

Our culture also encourages it. We’re not supposed to ask questions, get into other people’s business (unless it’s social media, of course, which can be a minefield of dysfunction) or be too deep. In fact, the spell of consumerism wants us to depend on things rather than forming fulfilling relationships as a way to keep us on the illusion of needing more money or objects in order to be considered valuable or loveable.

Photo by Aravind Kumar on Unsplash

I would suggest, though, that the work first starts within. As it always does. We will attract what is reflective of our own inner thoughts, feelings and beliefs about love and ourselves.

For example, if we believe we have to be strong all the time, then we will attract people who don’t think we have needs for support.

So how do you become your own mush-pot of a bestie?

1. Own you have feelings and that those feelings are an important part of what makes you fully alive and human. Seems obvious, right? But not really. Many of us quietly shame ourselves if we are “too emotional” or we aren’t being logical. The truth is that you have feelings about all sorts of things and people. Just recognizing you do is the first step.
2. Be in touch with your likes and dislikes. Again, this seems to be a no-brainer. But from coaching caring and soul-full people in the last 10 years, I can safely say that many of us are afraid of saying we don’t like someone or something because it is somehow “unspiritual” or “unkind”.
3. Take time to just be with yourself for at least 30 minutes. No distractions, no noise, no people, no screens. Just you sitting or laying down. As you let go of the distraction of others, you can take the time to truly breathe deeply and listen to what your emotions, stress and body are trying to tell you. It may feel uncomfortable but do it anyways.
4. Identify what emotions are coming up for you. I love the wheel of emotions as a reference tool. It helps me to identify primary and secondary emotions. Otherwise they start jumbling together into one big mess and I have no idea what’s really going on.
5. Express your truth about these emotions. Whether you speak it out loud into the mirror, write in a journal, cry it out into a pillow, talk to a friend/counsellor. It is important that you put some words into what you are feeling without self-criticism. You need to just get it out of you and release the hurt, sadness, anger, or whatever else is sitting inside of you.
6. Make a new, nurturing decision for your life. This is important as it empowers you. Even with the emotion of joy, you need to clarify how to have more of that feeling and provide that for yourself. For the difficult emotions that seem draining, try to gain the wisdom from it and choose to do something different in your life.
7. Make it a daily habit to check-in with yourself. I often will do this in meditation twice a day, so I am not making bad decisions for myself and I’m keeping my heart feeling open and at peace.

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